You’re it!

He’d been in the pool for all of 5 min before I heard him yell out “you’re it!” which means either he or the other kids had said “Want to be friends?”

It will never cease to amaze me how fast and easy kids can make “friends”. When then do we lose that gift? As I’ve gotten older it has definitely become harder to make friends. Are my expectations too high? Or are they too low, and so I sabotage any friendship before it has any chance of growing into anything better.

I look at when I made friends: elementary school, if it wasn’t for facebook I don’t think I would speak to any of them. (I suppose I don’t really speak to them). Middle School/Jr. High I went to a school other than my homeschool so I think that may have hindered communication with some of the grade school friends. Would that be different now in the age of texting and IM’ing? High School for one reason or another I ended up going to 4 different schools. I speak to only one person from middle/jr  and only a couple of people from high school are actually part of my life again if not for FB. Even those people are mostly linked to my wife (whom I met in high school).

The next chapter in my life was the military. I spent xx years in the Marine Corps and I made bonds with people that I know will be actually part of my life forever. Each bond stronger than the last. From training to actual combat. I can remember meeting each of those people and what they meant and how they got me through those tough days and the of course the tough days that follow an enlistment.

After the Marine Corps I didn’t think I’d make friends again. I then joined a group of athletes that showed me I couldn’t be more wrong. I remember the first few days and probably weeks and months it took for me to open up to them. I felt they’d never understand me. They do understand, and surprisingly enough I understand them. As I write these words I come to the realization that it’s been 4 years since I met those folks and I haven’t made any real friends since then. So again, why do we or I refuse to make these connections. Certainly I’ve met people in the last 4 years, right? Yet none really important as all those previously mentioned. (One that comes close I feel close to only because his name and everything about him reminds me of a friends that is very sadly no longer just a phone call away.)

Just as the “you’re it!” earlier made me take a look at friendship and the part it’s played in my life. His goodbye gave me some more insight. “OK bye” and then he walked my way. “I made a friend dad” he exclaimed. Before we even made it to the elevator he had moved on. So I guess there’s just no pressure when we’re young because we haven’t dealt with loss yet. As I’ve grown older I guess I’m done wanting to invest too much of myself in someone I might lose. I will continue to treasure those in my very small circle of friends. All the while hoping it was still OK as adults to say “Want to be friends?”

 

Renewed Resolutions

I posted my last blog entry on National Delurking Day. January 14th, 2011. It’s a been a week and I sit here still scared to post again. First let me say that Delurking day was a success. I took the time and did some delurking of my own taking time out of my day to tell some of my favorite bloggers, about myself and that I thought their little space online was one of my liking. I also had quite a few of my own readers reach out to me. That day as the various comments and emails came in I was besides myself. I mentioned in my post that I could see the page views and so I always knew they were out there but that they should say hi. I was beyond excited and appreciative as they told me as I did, why they like me and a bit about themselves. All this seems positive, right?

The problem came the very next day when I again thought I’d sit at the computer and poor out my heart or a piece of my mind that day and I would be fine with it. Especially now that I knew a couple of the people reading my blog. WRONG. I completely froze. Every day for over a week, I’ve managed to write a couple of journal entries as well as worked on home work assignments and like for the most part I don’t find it hard to write. Yet instead of publish I pressed delete. I’m still, as I type this, fighting the urge to hold the delete button on my keyboard and watch the words disappear. I’m absolutely terrified that I’ll let some of those readers down or disappoint them for subscribing me or adding me to readers that are for the most part a bit much to read in a day for most, if anything like me.

Then today as I subscribe to more than one motivational email newsletters for ideas about writing. This particular one being from wordpress. “30 quotes to kick off 2011”. I read through them and I must say more than one rang true but the one that brought me to have a clear view of what the problem was is this.

“I have been correcting the proofs of my poems. In the morning, after hard work, I took a comma out of one sentence…. In the afternoon I put it back again.” ~Oscar Wilde

Here was Oscar Wilde basically or the way I see it having the same problem I face with my simple blog. I started thinking about why I started it in the first place and that couldn’t be any simpler, I love to write. I’ve been to through much to ever forget that and know that the only way I can relive those moments and new memories is to write them. I also want to be able to look back at what I was like during this time. I don’t ever want to forget how I got started in the business I want to be a part of so badly. As for my readers, I urge you to help with this problem and continue to reach out to me in anyway possible. Although I have a renewed confidence in that this blog is for me. I want to know what others think and would love to get used to it before you guys eventually read a book authored by me. Wishful thinking I know but I can’t give up.